Void.

It doesn't feel right. It just doesn't feel right. I feel betrayed. God must not be so unfair.

Kishore chacha passed away today morning.

Simple. White attire. Long hair. Briefly Smiling. Spiritual. Music-lover. Creator. Reader. Orator. Writer. Fit. Thoughtful. Calm. Content. Individual. Rebel. Believer. Mentor. Inspiration. Idol. Ideal. Hope. Peace. Love. Opinionated. Straightforward. In-your-face. Appreciative. Inert yet attached. Effective. Thought provoking. Life changing PERIOD

But, I understand, God needs you more. HE's lonely up there and depressed.

I needed and wanted so much more of YOU in my life. I hope my love and respect reached you every time we were together.

A part of me went with you today.

I miss you and will always do.

Adios Kishore Chacha!

Cheers to a life well-lived!

Do you know what you want?!!

I'd like to confess that I am really jealous in life. And I'm particularly jealous of those who know what they want in life.....Crystal Clear!!!
So is not knowing that bad? Yeap.....yupp....Oh so very YES IT IS!
Believe me, Experience Talking!

I'm freaking 23 now and I still don't have a clear cut understanding/idea as to what is it that I should be doing in order to keep myself perfectly happY, satisfied, contended and something that would pay me enough to fend for myself. People may be shouting in their heads right now that I must be crazy, and that I ought to know it by now. But, I don't and that's that!
The only thing that makes me bear my state is the fact that I'm looking...and looking hard. I'm exploring ideas, avenues, people n all that I can. I don't need anything as bad as I need an obsession right now, a "calling", a passion to work on. Some real game the thought of which will give me instant gratification or as I'd like to put it more feelingly, an orgasm!
Life is so incomplete without something that can keep you occupied apart from the time when you're doing all the "feel-good" things in your life. I mean one's work should be THE feel-good thing in one's life. The life-blood of one's life....Yes! that's what I'm searching for and I won't settle for anything less! And that's that!!!

In the midst of all this dialogue with myself, I asked myself to list all the things that I think I am/will be good at and at some point in my life aspired for. Yes, I could come up with some entries.
I could be-
1> A Cricketer
Yes Ashish, I've always secretly envied you for your preofession.....from the bottom of my heart...I think I had and still have the soul of a player...Han bhai khoon garam hai abhi tak!
2> A Lawyer
People who know me acknowledge that I've a gift for finding faults and living in details. Also, I'm quite belligerent...some of the a 'qualities' one requires for being a lawyer.
3> A Psychologist/Shrink/Psychiatrist/Empathizer whatever you may call it.

Yeah..I guess thats about it! I'm done!
Now the question arises, why didn't I pursue these paths?
The answer to which would be an admission that I lacked the guts, wisdom and maturity to decide for myself and back myself up when the time came to decide.
So why not switch to them now?!
Well...I don't know...I certainly have improved in all the three departments of guts, wisdom and maturity and have taken some major career decisions lately.
But I feel I'm still lost.....in the midst of opinions, judgments, fears...!

I guess I can badly use some more time, space and positive energies.



And I still believe.......I can Fly!

Furious!

How would you feel when you are forced to live amongst savages?!
OR
much worse,people who are fully evolved but still act like savages and prove to be a total waste of two billion years of evolution?!


Deliverance is all one wishes for!

History

I really don't recall when I wrote this and under what circumstances but I came across it sometime back---

"Love is a passion and an obsession fr me!! The most divine feelin one can experience in one's natural life! Love to me is utter selfishness.....d selfishness to satisfy oneself by givin one's 200% in lovin ur gal....n revellin in d achievement....leavin nothin to chance n being deliberate n intentional all d time....whether in loving ur gal or hurtin her(through indifference)! Love is to give her ample of chance to realize her mistakes n hatin every second of ur existence if u make one...Love is Perfectionism!"

Kiddish it may seem...But I guess Love is still all of this to me and a lot more!
And I'm still Dreaming On!

Skepticism

Die hard skepticism is one aspect of me that i just cant let go of no matter how hard i try. It comes as a natural instinct(read survival instinct) to me....just like a hard-on!(Excuse me for not being able to find a better simile.) And then, I wonder how harmful or Useful it is for oneself? And if all of us can do it in moderation, just to the right degree at the right moment,wouldn't life become manifest?(Well..I think I can...hmmm...Pretty arrogant ..Yes!) Is being opinionated and judgmental too bad for you? Does it prevent you from taking things at face value,going with the flow and living in the moment?! Is it applying Laws of Friction to your natural thought process?!
I think YES is the answer to most of the these questions.

One of my dear friend told me today that I really think way too much on trivial things and hence complicate my life unnecessarily. Well...thats true. But the sense of satisfaction and pleasure derived from it at the end of the day is worth the pains perhaps! How hedonistically masochistic people can be.


Believe nothing,no matter if I have said it,
unless it agrees with your own reason and common sense.
-Buddha

Come babeh.....light(n not lite)my fire!!

It been really long(and i mean really long) that I've been wanting someone to baffle me....rather jolt me to the marrow! Maybe I'm talking about a thunderbolt...Oh! Don know but whatever it is I want to be struck...soon! (No points for guessing that I am talking about a gal here!)

Life's not all that bad as a single too especially when you think about all those times when you are with your friends, while getting sloshed, driving rash, being restless and going the extra(unnecessary according to her)mile in doing weird things etc. But, still nothing beats the happiness/high/kick/trip you get when you feel for your special someone. [I know it sounded way too mushy but I'm really not averse to getting excessively sentimental. :-)]

Proud to be a Romantic!

I think I can probably write a book on how to love your gal immensely and keep her endlessly happy and it would come with a CD as people learn better from what they see than what they read/hear. Alas! My hidden potentials are never been given the wings. People who know me know that I aint that repulsive a guy too.

What is the freakin problem then?!!

Is it that I'm being too demanding? Is it that I'm an idealist? or Am I too ol' fashioned for my times? or Is there a possibility(far-fetched it may seem)that a chick I refused to go out with in my childhood is exacting revenge by profusely telling gals that I’m impotent!!??!!! Gosh!! I simply don’t know!

But here are my questions---

Is it too much to ask of a gal if I want her to make me laugh?!!

Is it unjust if I ask a gal to talk sense?!

Is it really offensive if I like to listen to soulful music n watch meaningful movies and choose not to go crazy for senseless songs and wastebasket movies?

Will I be going over-board if I want to glorify woman empowerment by asking her to be a rebel (and I mean sticking to what she thinks is right and not giving in)?!!

And last but not the least is it too tough to understand me and reciprocate accordingly?!

I hope she answers all my queries and straightens me out soon!

:-)

The entire sum of existence is the magic of being needed by just one person.

:-) (Wont totally agree with it yet will do....in the heat of the moment.)

Adieu!